9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
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I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Love this one 😂🧟
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
*puts cutlery down*