Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
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Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
our love story in four pictures
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen