[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
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I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Yup!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
what day is it?
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.