In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
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What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can鈥檛 even remember if I took my pills last night
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I鈥檓 making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
If you鈥檙e not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That鈥檚 so great! Have fun!!!!
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 馃槄馃ぃ馃槀
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she鈥檇 sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it鈥檚 our anniversary tomorrow
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word