I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
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Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
🤣🤣
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost