[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people