I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
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[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!