I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
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Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots