I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
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Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*