My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.