In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
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I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Ladies, why y’all do this?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*