Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Truth
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand