Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
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I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The internet is full of many things
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.