The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
The government even made aliens boring
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I need a headline like this
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times