Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat