“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
You Might Also Like
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The news
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins