ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
You Might Also Like
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.