*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
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I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.