I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
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When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.