(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
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God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even