Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??