Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Intelligence is the new cleavage
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce