My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Good morning!
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.