I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
You Might Also Like
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
our love story in four pictures
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.