[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.