*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Pringles
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I can’t wait!