[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?