I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
In Canada they just call them geese
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there