me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
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Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”