Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
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Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
😂😂😂
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”