The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
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I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses