Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
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I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
How dude HOW?!
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.