*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
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Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Well, my evening plans are ruined
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.