[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
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My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds