*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
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[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…