So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Dishonest mechanic?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.