“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”