[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
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6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish