me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
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Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Guantanamo Bae
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men