[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
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If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.