How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
don’t be scared
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.