I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
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[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.