me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
You Might Also Like
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept