Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.