“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
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Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I just ran a .003048K
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler