Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
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I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Same post same
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Spotted in New Orleans.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.