i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
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Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Is….Is this an option?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
For the ones in the back.
The old gods are rising again.