*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
You Might Also Like
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
🙂🐾
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
❤️❤️❤️
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Nothing to do, you say?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys