some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
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Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
forgive me baja for i have blast
the world’s most popular steaming services
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Twitter fine art
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.