Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
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Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
quarantine day 3
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay